Nail Painting Sessions with the Akatsuki
by Aoshi'sgirlinstraightjacket
Summary: Do you ever wonder what happens when the Akatsuki decide to paint their nails. What exactly goes on? Do they have help? Do they act all girly? Here is a little insider to the private matters of the Akatsuki.
1. Chapter 1

Hello!! This is a story about the Akatsuki. (Which I just learned how to pronounce the other day...) It's a random story that doesn't make any sense. But hopefully, you'll enjoy it.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Not Itachi or Pein. But their both beasts.

This was one of the few meetings that the Akatsuki rarely had. Why were they meeting at this particular time? Was it to set further plans on capturing the Nine-tailed Fox demon? Or was it to decide on their next victim? Well...not quite.

"Itachi, darling, you need to get your nails done. You can't go around being all formidable when half your nails aren't painted." Itachi growled at the offending male. Why was he here anyway.

"Why is this dolt here, anyway?! He yelled at Kisame. Kisame's gills flared from the situation.

"Leader-sama said that some of us were getting "30 packs" and needed to work out more. So he hired him. He supposed to work on our appearance too." The afro-haired man in front of him nodded.

"So, get that finger nail polish out doll. We're gonna get to work!" The Akatsuki groaned as tons of finger nail polish was brought out from behind the man's back. "I brought other colors too in case some of you wanted more of a variety.

"Why doesn't Pein-sama just hire someone to paint our nails in our sleep like he usually does?" Sasori asked.

"Oh come one guys!! Your not going to have slaves forever! You need to learn how to paint your own nails. Now!!!! Untwist the lid annnnnnnd...DIP! BRUSH! DIP! BRUSH!" Hidan stepped back.

"Who's this guy again?"

"His name is Richard Simmons. I don't know where Pein sama found him but I'd rather kill him." All the Akatsuki nodded. Well, most of them.

"Well, I don't know guys!" exclaimed Deidara. "This could be fun!" he said while following the exercise.

"You're a fag. Of course it's fun to you." Kisame hissed. Richard Simmons stopped the exercise and stared at the fish-like man.

"Look here Fish-O-Filet. There is nothing wrong with being a fag and doing fag exercises." he became excited all of a sudden. "Now look everyone! Here is a new fun thing I picked up. It works the thighs and the abs. It's called the bend and snap!!" he proceeded to demonstrate. The Akatsuki backed away from the man and flinched as he snapped up to a standing position.

"There is a lot wrong with being a fag. And that's one of them." Sasori said. Itachi looked around.

"Am I the only one who thinks it's suspicious that Leader-sama isn't here?" Everyone nodded.

"Miserable wretch...but in a mighty and manly way." Kisame growled. Richard popped up beside him.

"Who's manly? I want to see him!" Everyone groaned as he went to look for the " hiding hunk of beast".

"What did we do wrong? I thought Tobi was a good boy!" Tobi cried from where he was huddled in a corner. Sasori went over and patted him on the head.

"We thought we all were Tobi." Meanwhile Kisame and Itachi were huddled together planning.

"First we kill the fag. And then we find Pein-sama. Nobody humiliates the Akatsuki. Nobody.

_fin_

I know it's short but the next chapter should come pretty soon. And keep in mind that this is my first Naruto fic. In the meantime...REVIEW!!!!! (she says hysterically)


	2. Chapter 2

Okay...so it's been a while. I have an excuse, though. I have, like, 15 other stories.

...okay so ya'll are, like, SO DO I!! So my excuse is bogus.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything

Chapter two

Beat It

"I thought he would be a source of motivation." Pein said.

Itachi and Kisame had approached their leader in hopes of convincing him that Richard Simmons wasn't a good idea. And to not do it again. That was actually what they were more concerned about.

"Yeah. I was motivated alright...to kill him." Kisame growled, gripping his sword. Itachi held out an arm, successfully stopping Kisame's oncoming tirade.

"_**It**_ was not adequate." Itachi said simply. His monotone voice and straight forward glance seemed to get the point across faster than Kisame would've been able to.

"Well, then I'll get someone else." Pein said. Itachi's and Kisame's eyes widened.

"I don't think that will be necessary." Itachi said in a hurried voice.

"Seriously. Can't we just paint our own fingernails?" Kisame asked while throwing his arms out to the side.

"Nonsense. You have all worked hard on your missions and shouldn't have to worry about appearance."

The two were about to protest but Pein gave them a sharp look that shut them up.

"I'll have to call them right now because even though I don't want you to worry about your appearance your nails are getting ugly." He signaled for them to leave and they reluctantly turned to go.

They got to the doorway before Pein stopped them.

"Oh, and Itachi. I might see about someone cutting your hair."

Itachi stiffened. His eyes flashed and his face dropped from it's normal passive stare to deadly features. No one, and absolutely no one, touched his hair. It was perfect.

But he didn't comment on it. That would mean pain for him in the near future.

(No pun intended)

He simply followed Kisame, keeping his gaze on the red and black swirls of his blue partner's cloak.

"I don't like this." Itachi said solemnly. He passed Kisame as he rounded a corner and approached the rest of the Akatsuki.

Kisame lifted a hand to scratch the back of his head. "No kidding."

The Akatsuki, minus Pein, stood in one of the many caverns of their lair. They waited, without patience, for their leader to show up and explain exactly why they were meeting.

Hidan growled as he shifted his weight to another foot. "This is complete nonsense."

Kisame glanced at Itachi from the corner of his eye. "I have a bad feeling about this."

Itachi's eyes roamed the room. Was it a test? Were they going to be ambushed? Or-

Music floated from down one of the halls adjoining the spacious cavern. It wasn't eerie or scary, as you would expect to hear in the Akatsuki lair. But instead, Itachi concluded, it was upbeat. A sort of dancing music. He soon wished it wasn't.

"I've never heard this before! I like it!" Deidara said gleefully as he experimentally shook his hips. The Akatsuki didn't get a lot of chances to dance. That didn't mean some of them didn't want to.

The music grew louder and echoed in the halls making it seem like it was coming from every direction.

"I have a sinking feeling that this is what Leader-sama had in mind." Itachi said quietly. Every head turned towards him.

"You mean...you knew?!" Sasori asked. "Why didn't you warn us?"

"I didn't think it would be as bad a before." he admitted cooly.

"Tobi thinks your wrong." Tobi said, cowering in the corner.

Deidara continued to find his groove as he took a few steps to the backward and threw his hands out to the side. He danced close to Kakuzu who reached out a twitching hand to strangle him. Deidara let out a squeal and then jumped out of his reach.

"Quiet!" Itachi said, giving everyone 'the eye'. The music was coming closer and words could be heard. Itachi strained his ears to listen to the lyrics. He cursed his ears and wished they were as good as his sharingan.

The music got so loud that it became nerve-wracking and they still couldn't figure out which direction it was coming from.

Finally, a man popped out of a cavern exit and pointed at Itachi. His skin looked like plastic in the lighter parts of the lair, but for the most part, they couldn't tell what he looked like. He was doing dance moves that the Akatsuki thought a man shouldn't do. Well, anyone for that matter.

_They told him don't you ever come around here_

_Don't wanna see your face, you better disappear_

_The fire's in their eyes and their words are really clear_

_So beat it, just beat it_

Itachi backed up and bumped into Kisame. Right now he didn't care what he looked like, he needed to stop.

"Stop the music. Find where it's coming from." Itachi ordered. The Akatsuki scattered, looking for a band or CD player, but they couldn't find anything. Not even a cord.

_You better run, you better do what you can_

_Don't wanna see no blood, don't be a Macho Man_

_You wanna be tough, better do what you can_

_So beat, but you wanna be bad_

"Incompetent fools! Can you not just kill it?!"

The others grumbled. "Sorry, forgot my sword." Hidan said.

"No puppets with me. I can't fight." Sasori agreed.

"My mouths are sore. I went to the dentist yesterday."

Itachi growled as one by one each member of the Akatsuki gave an excuse on why they could not fight until finally he turned to Kisame, who always carried his sword.

Kisame stared at him wide eyed and then hugged his sword. "It's special. I don't actually fight with it! At least not until I have to." he said caressing it.

_Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it_

_No one wants to be defeated_

_Showin' how funky strong is your fight_

_It doesn't matter who's wrong or right_

_Just beat it, beat it, _

_Just beat it, beat it_

_Just beat it, beat it_

_Just beat, beat it_

Itachi growled and then glared at the dancing, unknown man. "Fine. I'll take care of it myself.

Pein flinched when he heard a high-pitched, blood curdling scream come from the cavern that they Akatsuki were supposed to be doing their nails in.

"Itachi just needs to chill." he sighed as he applied a coat to his own nails.

He chuckled as he heard distinguished voices trying to help the fight.

"I'll show you 'beat it'. Kisame yelled "Hey! Get off me Deidara!"

"NOOO!! Don't kill the music!!" the blonde man cried.

Pein bopped his head as the song turned into a fast beat and whizzed by his room and out of the lair.

Everything calmed down in the cavern as Kisame turned to Deidara.

"I always knew you were a fag."

_fin_

Well, this one is kind of short. But it was a pretty good idea since I had writer's block for a while. I guess I'll see you next chapter. Read and review.

Sincerely- _straightjacket_


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